I’m back. Again… With my yearly attempt at establishing a consistent writing habit. For half a decade I’ve tried and failed, but I have to believe that this time will be different.

Let me tell you why.

On May 24, 2023, the version of Nate that you may have known before that date died. It was on that day, that I lost my oldest son, Miller, in a freak accident.

I have not ever been the same, nor will I ever. I cannot.

On March 8, 2024, I walked in the doors at 5525 S Coyote Canyon and entered residential treatment for depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I spent 4 weeks learning to be human again. I found joy, began to process a tiny sliver of the pain of losing my child, and ultimately got myself onto a path where survival was plausible. 

Now, it is July 2024. I am ~2 months post-treatment. I am doing… better. Many days are hard. Many days are good. I can see the light shining through the darkness. I am moving forward. 

Part of moving forward is questioning the rules that I live by and rewriting new rules for myself. When your world is shattered and you’re tasked with picking up the pieces and putting them back together, you’re faced with the uncomfortable reality that the world you knew cannot be rebuilt. A new world, with new rules is required.

As I rewrite these new rules for myself, I must ask myself questions like: 

• What brings me joy?

• How do I want to spend my time?

• What is most important to me?

• Whose opinions do I actually care about?

The answers to these questions are completely different than they were when I last wrote online in March of 2023. Because I am completely different.

Today, I write to express myself. 
I write because I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world. 
I write because I want to become a great writer.

I write because… why the fuck not?

So what can you expect from me moving forward? 

Nothing. Expect nothing from me. 

My writing will have no rules. I will write only that which feels true to me on any given day. I will write as much or as little as I choose. If you don’t like that, please unsubscribe. I do not write for you, only for me. Only to express the thoughts and feelings of a man fighting against the madness that chases him unceasingly.

I have a lot of things to say. I have a deep urge to create. My writing will be an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

And with that in mind, welcome to my mind. Let us begin. 

Thoughts from therapy–appropriate feelings

Part of dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD is therapy, and lots of it. One thing that I discussed with my therapist recently was the concept of “appropriate feelings.”

Using the word appropriate to describe feelings feels… inappropriate in today’s world. When we’ve made so much progress with acknowledging folks’ feelings, why am I trying to classify them in terms of “appropriateness”?

Because what I’ve realized is that while my feelings can be 100% valid, there can also be inappropriate places to deal with those feelings. For example, I’m at a comedy show in Vegas with my wife and our friends. I get a message from work that is distressing. The distressing nature of those feelings is totally valid, but the setting for dealing those feelings is not appropriate. I owe it to myself, my wife, and my friends to be present in that moment, not thinking about work.

The root of appropriate feelings is intentionality of focus and being present in the moment. It requires a practice of mindfulness that allows you to notice your feelings, step back from them, and assess the appropriateness of the setting.

It’s something I think is worth exploring.

Magic moments

On Thursday morning I landed at GEG, drove to the McDonalds in Airway Heights, WA and picked up my children after not seeing them for ~ 5 days. We sat and played in the PlayPlace and I listened to their giggles and tiny voices. It was magic.

That evening, I sat on a boat with my wife, my babies, and my in-laws. We cruised around the lake, listened to music, and enjoyed the beauty of the lake and the summer. It was magic. 

I’ve come to realize that in each day there are magic moments, when we find peace inside our soul. I don’t think you can manufacture these moments, only acknowledge and appreciate them when they do appear. 

A trip to Las Vegas

This past week I spent 4 nights in Las Vegas. I have thoughts, some practical, some existential.

• The southern end of the Strip provides a more “budget” experience, but is great for anyone who still flies economy (cough, me). The MGM family of hotels spans basically the southern Mile of the strip and comprises Mandalay Bay, Luxor, Excalibur, MGM Grand, New York, New York, and Park MGM. Across these casinos you have a variety of great options for both affordable stays and great adventures. We spent $320 for 4 nights at Excalibur and did not have any regrets. Room was nice. Location was good. Perfect for us.

• Vegas is just smaller, more remote Phoenix with casinos, 10x the tourism, and a shittier airport. Say what you will about the Strip, gambling, and the overall degeneracy of Las Vegas, it feels impressive to me that this city is what it is, given its location.

• The number of international tourists in Vegas is truly impressive. I met folks from Mexico, Brazil, London, Italy, and more. I wonder what they think of the US as a whole if Vegas is their only taste?

Movie Review: The Bikeriders

I watched The Bikeriders on opening night. Here’s my quick review/thoughts:

• It feels like a documentary in many ways. It’s telling a story, but that story doesn’t necessarily have the standard components that you expect from a movie. This was disappointing to me, because I love a standard story format (like Hit Man, for example), but it was still very enjoyable.

• Austin Butler, Tom Hardy, and Jodie Comer were incredible. I’m a slut for Tom Hardy and he and his voice were their usual excellent selves. Jodie Comer KILLED. As the quasi-narrator, her Chicago-accent was a character in itself. Brilliant. Austin Butler is the ringleader of the new generation of movie stars imho. Timothee who? Move over Chalamet. It’s Butler Time.

• The reason why Hardy’s character, Johnny, starts the Vandals is not what I’d anticipated. He heard mention of a biker club on TV and decided to start one up. It was not about crime, gangsterhood, or drugs, but about community and camaraderie. And I thought that was powerful. Everyone wants to belong to something.

Some thoughts on Teslas

This June, my side business, Happy Car Club, rented a Cybertruck for 24 hours. We slapped a banner on the side of it and drove it around to drum up business. It worked relatively well. For $800 in rental fees, we came away with 7 new customers. Not bad.  But after driving the Cybertruck for a weekend, I have some thoughts.

• It’s crazy fast. Like laugh out loud, giggle like a school girl, pee in your pants fast.

• It does feel somewhat shoddily made.

• It looks 10x cooler when it sits at “high” height instead of it’s standard “low” height. 

• It turns heads. Seriously. Everyone gawked. 

• It is incredibly polarizing. People either love it or hate it. And I have a theory why–it comes down to whether folks have a sense of awe & wonder. As such, children uniformly loved it, and many, many old people hated it. Do with this what you will.

• I’ve rode in the back of a few Teslas (the cybertruck + some Lyft rides) over the last few weeks and they are a pretty rancid passenger experience because of the combination of incredible acceleration and regenerative braking-fueled deceleration.

What I’ve been consuming lately:

• Music:

  • Gravity by The Dangerous Summer (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Slowly Getting Better by Calling All Captains (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Gridlock (Just The Sky) by Michigan Rattlers (Spotify, Apple Music)

• TV/Movies:

  • Hit Man (Netflix)

  • Black Sails (Netflix)

  • Loudermilk (Netflix)

  • The Bear (Hulu)

• Books:

  • Between Two Fires by Christopher Buehlman

  • Upgrade by Blake Crouch [DNF]

Anyway… That’s all from me for now. Look for more from me soon. And if you hated this. Please unsubscribe. No hard feelings. Moving forward, I will not apologize for sending you emails and the responsibility for saying no will be yours.

I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you. You’ve got this.

Nate.