I'm struggling.

It’s been a difficult week for me.

While I beat the virus from last week, my old friend Depression has come back with a vengeance. And if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think he ever really left. I was just ignoring him…

This edition of the newsletter might not be much fun to read. It’s just going to be a raw, honest peek into my mind.

Over the last 7 days, depression has kicked me in the teeth in what feels like a brand new way. And that’s been really frustrating.

When I checked into treatment back in March, depression had ground me down to a shell of a person. Nothing felt like it was going right and I didn’t really care enough about myself to try to get things on track. I didn’t really care if I lived or died. I was just going through the motions. It was all pain.

Today, I am in a different mindset. I want to be better. I have things in my that I’m excited about and that I am fighting for. I am trying to grow into a better person and find joy in a life that I didn’t want but still received. I have hope. And depression still is kicking my ass.

Over the last week I have seen two movies in theaters (I love going to the movies), watched a comedy show at our local comedy club, and experienced the majesty of blink-182 at The Gorge Amphitheater. I spent a day on the lake swimming with my boys and got to play music with my favorite people.

And for half of that time, I was miserable. I fought suicidal ideations. I felt helpless and broken.

Sunday night, as my wife danced in front of me to an amazing, 26-song blink-182 setlist, I felt depression start to win. I began questioning what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I happy? Why was I thinking about how much better off my friends and family would be without me? Why wasn’t I enjoying a concert that I’d anticipated for 8 months? Depression was winning.

Monday morning, I woke up and felt the same. I was terrified. I’d lost all of the progress that I’d fought so hard for. All of the time and money I spent on treatment was wasted. I was embarrassed. But I knew I had to ask for help.

I’m fortunate to have a wife that loves me unconditionally. She helped me set up an appointment with my therapist and I’m moving in a better direction now.

But even still, it’s 3am on Wednesday morning. Bailey is away on a girl’s trip. I am on full-time dad duty. I have a meeting at 7am. I forgot to take my pills today yesterday. I’m a disaster.

But, I’m fighting to get better. And this time is different than last time. This time, I want to be okay. And I know that I have the skills and resources to get through this.

So, here’s my plan:

1. I’m working with my wife to bring our life in alignment with my truth. There are a few personal changes that I need to make to help me wake up every day and feel like I am self-actualizing. We’re developing a plan for that.

2. I’m going to see my psychiatrist to see if my meds might need some adjustments.

3. I’m going to therapy again on Thursday to meet with my therapist.

4. I’m joining a boxing gym with Bailey so that I can start feeling better about myself physically.

5. I’m writing about my struggles with depression to show myself and others that it’s not embarrassing to not be okay–that even the guy who had to go to treatment still has struggles.

6. I’m talking about my struggles with people who are on my team so that I’m not facing my challenges alone. People love me and want to support me. It’s on me to let them in.

I’m not okay. And I’m proud of myself for saying that. I’m going to keep fighting and you should too.

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

Who brings me peace?

This quote by Zachary Laird (shared by someone on Twitter) struck me as important. Lately, I don’t have a lot of mental bandwidth for people. But I do have a small group of really special people that I feel really safe with. Those people don’t stress me out. They make me feel safe and at peace. I’m focusing right now on spending more time with those people. Maybe one day I’ll become more socially adventurous, but for now, I just need my people, and I think that’s okay.

The peak male form

Cal Raleigh, catcher for my always disappointing Seattle Mariners, is the pinnacle of the male physique. One day I hope to be a big strong boy like him.

Making jokes

Listen, I have been pretty loudly anti-Trump over the last checks notes 8 years. Ugh… But like, violence is no bueno (duh). What is bueno (in my humble opinion), is comedy. If we can’t laugh about misery, then what’s the point? I’d rather be eaten by 10 rats slowly over the course of 10 days than not be able to laugh about things.

So, I present to you, a funny joke:

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

• The Great American Bar Scene by Zach Bryan (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Ultimately, the album is a bit beige to me–it’s a bit monochromatic at times. Many of the songs feel too similar to me. I think Zach has a habit of reusing melodies in a way that is a bit disappointing/distracting.

  • However, the album definitely has some great songs and I’ve enjoyed listening to it. Sandpaper with Bruce Springsteen is really fun and just feels like a Springsteen song in a way that I can’t describe because I’ve barely listened to any Springsteen, but I just knew it within 3 seconds. Bass Boat is a personal favorite song. The female vocalist isn’t credited, but Zach shared that it is Morgan Meinhart, who is engaged to Zach’s photographer, Louie Nice. Better Days with John Mayer, Memphis; The Blues with John Moreland, and Pink Skies are some other favorites.

  • Lastly, and this might sound a bit crazy, Zach feels like my generation’s Bob Dylan, in that he’s not the world’s greatest vocalist, but his songwriting is such that it resonates with people deeply.

• Caffeine by Jack Kays (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • I saved this song to my library at some point in the past and I rediscovered it this week. Now, Jack is my new artist obsession. Have been diving into his discography and I really dig his whole vibe. Sort of twenty-one pilots, but it’s punk folk. I love it.

• Takes One To Know One by The Beaches (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • I’d hate to pass up an opportunity to tell people to listen to The Beaches. I love them.

TV/Movies:

• Longlegs

  • I’d been looking forward to this one for a while because I’d heard that it was extremely scary.

    

  • I was fortunate enough to have seen this review in advance and I went in with the right expectations. And I loved it. It was scary, but interesting. No complaints. Thoroughly enjoyed it. More original stories like this please.

• A Quiet Place: Day One

  • It’s fine. The premise was interesting, I just had a hard time caring about the characters at all. I don’t care about characters that don’t care about their own survival.

  • This is a cat movie and I spent the entire movie hoping that the monsters would get the cat. I hate that cat.

  • It did have good moments. Some good jump scares. They made the monster hordes seem really gross. Like skin crawling gross. Also the mush of human remains was disgusting. Great work.

  • But also the monsters are a bit demogorgon-y to me.

  • This is not a must-see IMO.

• Tires (Netflix)

  • I started rewatching this while sick and it’s just so funny. If you like Shane Gillis or funny stuff, please give it a shot. Short episodes and only 6 episodes in season 1. Already renewed for season 2.

Books:

• 3 Body Problem by Cixin Liu

  • About halfway through and I’m sucked in. Have no idea how this is going to end/turn out. Excited to finish and then watch the show.

Anyway… That’s all from me for now. As always, feel free to unsubscribe if you hate it. If you like it, you can make my day by telling me that.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.