Grief sneaks up on you.

There’s something incredibly physical about the pain of losing a child. It feels like losing a part of your brain–a part of your personality. I woke up one day and the boy who had consumed my world over the last 3.5 years was gone. No more conversations. No more trips to the gas station. No more bedtime stories and songs. All of it gone.

You slowly start to feel crazy, because this part of your soul is missing. A human that is simultaneously half of you and all of you, is now nowhere to be found. I don’t think our brains aren’t equipped to deal with this reality shift. For me, it’s been the personal equivalent of waking up one day and being told your name isn’t Nate, it’s Nick. And you know that can’t be true, but then everywhere you look is the evidence.

So, you start adapting. And at first it’s really hard. You cry. You hide from the world. You do literally whatever it takes to get to the next day. And then you get better at living in a world where your name is Nick. (Notice, I didn’t say that living in a world where your name is Nick gets better, but that you get better at living in that world.)

But in a way, you’re just pretending. Your brain and body remembers. You have dreams and they fuck you up for days. (Seriously, one dream with Miller in it will have me reeling for days.) Or you go somewhere that you used to go with them and your brain remembers what you lost. It’s painful.

So for me, I spend a lot of time pretending really hard that my world isn’t shattered. Even still, it finds a way to creep up on me.

Driving home from the movies late at night, I’ll think about how Miller used to sit behind me in the car. I’ll catch a glimpse of him on my phone screensaver and remember how fun he was.

I think even the day of the week affects me.

When this newsletter lands in your inbox, it will have been 14 months to the day since we lost Miller. We lost him on a Wednesday. You’re probably reading this on a Wednesday. I hate Wednesdays. I think my body knows that too, because I swear my body starts acting up and throwing fits on Wednesdays. Today, I cried about him for the first time in a hot minute. Wednesdays ruin me.

There’s no takeaway here. It’s just something that’s been on my mind lately. I’ve noticed the pain of his absence more and more (probably because Nash is getting older and starting to act more and more like him). And I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it. My instinct is to run away from it, but I also miss him so badly that I’d rather cry about him than not think about him.

It’s really hard.

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

Leaning into my strengths

I’ve been working with my therapist on accepting myself more fully, not judging myself, and showing myself more compassion. Last week I stayed up too late working and I was giving myself a hard time about it. My therapist asked me a simple question: Why is it “bad” that you stayed up late working?

The answer is that I have a lot of “should” inside of me–a lot of judgment towards myself. I think that I should be “normal.” I should login to my computer at 8am, take a lunch break at noon, and then log off at 5pm, five days a week. I should go to bed at 10:30pm and wakeup at 6:30am and go exercise.

And for my entire adulthood I have never been able to be that person. And I’ve punished myself for that the whole time.

My therapist asked me if I’m a sprinter or a marathoner. I’m clearly a sprinter. I can accomplish in 2 hours what it would take a “normal” person at least 4. But that also takes a toll on me. I’m not great at sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight for 5 days in a row.

He encouraged me to lean into my strengths and to see what that feels like. What if I give my permission to not be “on” all the time? What if I treat myself more like an artist and recognize that the work I do is mentally and emotionally exhausting, so sometimes I don’t “have it” and I need to give myself time for inspiration to strike?

I’m working on this. Step one is to accept that I am talented and that I am unique and that I am a “creative” in my own way and that it’s okay to forge my own “normal”.

Step two is to start making better use of those times that I don’t have “it” in order to help myself find it faster.

Finally, step three is to start designing my life in a way that is more conducive to my creative process.

I’ll try to keep you updated on my progress.

Boxing

Bailey brought me to her boxing gym last week. I’ve been so proud of her for really going all in on this and I feel honored that she’s willing to let me go on this journey with her. We’ve found a gym that is a great fit for us and I’m excited for us to continue making our health a priority together!

AND I even got Lili and Tucker to tag along with us. I’m hoping they enjoyed it as much as I do so that we can keep going together!!!

Do it scared

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

• I Love You So F***ing Much by Glass Animals (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Miller loved Glass Animals. Now we love Glass Animals. Bailey and I have anticipated this album since Creatures In Heaven came out a few months ago. The album is great. It’s a vibe. I love it.

• Narrow Line by Mama’s Broke (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Saw them in concert in Sandpoint, ID last year. It’s just 2 awesome ladies who absolutely rip. If you like Nickel Creek or The Civil Wars, this might be for you.

• North Georgia Rounder by Pony Bradshaw (Spotify, Apple Music)

  • Was stoked to finally see Pony the GOAT this week. Got to stand front row and watch him belt it. Dude sounds exactly like he does on the record. If you like GOOD country/americana, you gotta check out Pony. h/t Damon for turning me on to him.

TV/Movies:

• Twisters (2024)

  • Terrible movie. Do not watch unless you like Disney Channel movies. Tanner is a bad man for taking me to this. I will fight you if you try to convince me it’s good. Not really, but I won’t agree with you.

• Mad Max (1979)

  • Early 20s Mel Gibson? 70s Australian film? Sign me up. Note: Fury Road and Furiosa have escalated things to a level that makes it hard to believe that this is the same universe.

• Dandelion (2024)

  • I liked some aspects. Really cool motorcycle shots. Made me want to go to South Dakota. Made me want to go to bike week. Also portrayed the artistic process very interestingly. It didn’t totally work, and was a bit slow, but still was enjoyable.

Books:

• The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu

  • Finished it. Really enjoyed it. Could not have anticipated the ending. It was a bit heavy on the science, but I’m glad I powered through.

• The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu

  • Sequel to 3 Body Problem. Much longer, so it may be a challenge to finish it before my loan is up. Fingers crossed here.

• Traction: Get a Grip on Your Business by Gino Wickman

  • Received this book from my friend Wil over a year ago. Finally getting around to reading it. Excited to learn and apply it to Happy Car Club.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for reaching out. It means the world.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.