I don’t know what I’m doing with my life

And I haven’t for a long time...

Author

Nate Elliott
November 01, 2024

This week in our weekly couples therapy session, our therapist suggested the following:

Long ago, I lost my connection to the sense of Self with which I came into the world.

We’re all born with knowing how to be loved, desiring love, and loving ourselves. Along the way we adapt in order to survive our circumstances. And over time, we can become disconnected from who we really are, when you strip away all of the adaptive behaviors necessary for survival.

When she said that, my initial reaction was, “That’s not me. I know who I am.” But as I sat with my feelings, I began to see through the mist of lies I tell myself.

I feel as though I know myself well because I judge myself to be incredibly opinionated, confident, and selfish. Upon closer scrutiny, that is only half of the story. The flip side of the coin is that I’m also incredibly insecure, afraid of rejection, and lonely.

And while Miller’s death has exacerbated this disconnection, when I’m honest with myself, I know that I’ve felt lost for a long time. I’ve felt something missing in my life, and I’m starting to believe that a relationship with my true self is what I’m searching for.

It’s a daunting task, to find yourself when you’re a grieving father and husband with a high-responsibility career and business. While I am only 27, it still feels too late. Maybe I just am who I am…

Fortunately, I have an incredible example to follow in Bailey. She’s completely taken life by the horns this year and worked incredibly hard to get to know herself better and find what really makes her tick. Watching her hard work gives me comfort, AND it’s daunting because I know just how hard that work is!

My goal for the rest of the year is to try something new. For Bailey it’s been boxing/exercise and voice lessons/recording music, but I don’t yet know what it’s going to be for me. I’m open to suggestions, so if there’s some sort of hobby or activity you think I should try, please let me know!!!

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

Band Update: Thanksgiving In RVA

During the week of Thanksgiving, Bailey and I are headed to Richmond to record a song with the legendary Will Beasley who produced The Dangerous Summer’s latest album Gravity. We met Will in January when we went to record with AJ from The Dangerous Summer and we are stoked to get to work.

We close on our house this month!

3 weeks until closing day! We haven’t had our own space in a long time. I can’t wait.

Treatment friends are lifelong friends

Bailey and I got to spend 24 hours in Seattle with my friend from treatment, Lucille, and her wife, Mary Lou. We had an absolute blast.

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

Townies by X Ambassadors (Spotify, Apple Music)

I believe that sometimes an album finds you at exactly the right time and place, and becomes a part of you. This is that album for me in 2024. I’ve been struggling with music this year. My heart has felt pretty closed to new music. This is the album that I’ve been waiting for. Zero skips. I love it.

Black on Black by Paul Cauthen (Spotify, Apple Music)

I am loving this album. I’m just bummed that I wasn’t able to see Paul live in Spokane on album release date because I was out of town. I am loving the elements of funk, hip-hop, and rock that Paul has infused in this album. Big fan.

TV/Movies:

A Different Man (2024) - 9/10

This might be my favorite new movie of 2024. Sebastian Stan was incredible. The cinematography was incredible. The brief scene of body horror was nauseating. It made me feel deeply and had me thinking about it for days after.

This movie is hilarious. My favorite kind of movie. Mystery comedy. Young Robert Downey Jr., Val Kilmer, and Michelle Monaghan. Sign me up.

Saturday Night (2024) - 6/10

This was fine. Totally watchable movie. Very cool premise - it basically takes place in real time over 90 minutes before the first Saturday Night Live episode (back when it was just called Saturday Night). The actors were great. I am in love with Rachel Sennott. She was incredible. The story just didn’t quite capture me the way I wanted it to.

The Apprentice (2024) - 7.5/10

I think this movie’s timing is a bit rough. Personally, I’m pretty tired of hearing about/from Donald Trump, so going to watch a movie about him didn’t feel exciting. That being said, this movie was really great. Intensely uncomfortable at times, while also humanizing. I left loathing Trump in many ways (but to be fair I already loathed him going into the showing) while also seeing him as more human and respecting him a tiny bit more than I did before.

We Live In Time (2024) - 8/10

Another favorite movie of 2024. Incredibly sad. Deeply sad. Also important IMO. Florence Pugh is everything. I will watch anything with her in it. Andrew Garfield might have even been better though. He was so so good. 100% convincing in his love and passion. This was amazing. It will rip your heart out though.

Lee (2024) - 6.5/10

Kate Winslet is great. Andy Samberg was fun in a serious role. In hindsight this was mostly fine. Worth seeing.

Joker (2019) - 3/10

Meh. Did not like. Too close to home for me.

Joker: Folie à Deux (2024) - 5/10

This wasn’t a bad movie, it just didn’t give the audience the story it wanted. I respect that. Won’t watch again, but it was fine.

My Old Ass (2024) - 7/10

I love Aubrey Plaza. This was another really sad one. Worth seeing.

Not as good as I hoped it would be. Cool premise. Cool vibe. Lackluster delivery for me.

Books:

I’d never read this before. Very interesting. Very depressing. Will probably consider reading more Steinbeck. (Open to suggestions on what to read next.

This is a norse, viking fantasy trilogy. It started pretty slow/boring for me and I almost put it down, but I powered through. The ending to book 1 was 100% worth it and now I am very impatiently waiting for book 2 to be available on Libby…

One the biggest “WOAH” books of the year for me. Dives into a handful of families affected by QAnon. Super impactful and eye opening. Would recommend this to anyone who agrees with me that January 6, 2021, (despite being my birthday) was not a “day of love.”

Book 2 of The Gentlemen Bastards sequence. A change of setting to a pirate ship was really fun. Book 1 took a bit to click with me, but jumping into Book 2 felt like reuniting with old friends. I absolutely love these characters and this narrator. Can’t recommend these books enough.

Bailey and I started listening to this together on our trip to Seattle in August and then our loan lapsed so we never finished it. I picked it back up and finished it and was so glad I did.

The writing was next-level beautiful. The two main characters were so worthy of being admired. The ending knocked it out of the park for me. It’s a slow burn, but I loved it.

Randomly picked this one up and was so glad I did. Don’t even know what to say here except I was enthralled. Standalone novel with a really cool mystery.

Book 2 of The First Law Trilogy. This book is about a journey to the edge of the world. If you didn’t love the characters at the end of Book 1, you will by the end of Book 2.

Book 3 of The First Law Trilogy. If you like how Game of Thrones sort of never gives you exactly what you want, you’ll like this. I really admired how Abercrombie showed that changing a person is no easy feat.

Republic of Thieves by Scott Lynch (2013)

This is Book 3 of The Gentlemen Bastards sequence. Currently 1/3 of the way through it.

I didn’t write for the entire month of October, so this was a long one. I also felt like I got pretty vulnerable, so thanks for bearing with me.

Would love to hear your hobby/activity/music/books/movie recommendations! Text me or reply to this email. Means the world.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.