Life goes on (for everyone else)

And that's a little scary.

Author

Nate Elliott
August 26, 2024

This is how I feel a lot these days…

Life after treatment is scary. The shiny sense of hopefulness I walked out with has lost its luster. The well of patience I initially lived off has dried up. The default benefit of the doubt has run its course. I feel the eyes of those around me silently asking, “when will you be normal again?”

It’s the same with losing Miller. We’re going on 17 months without him. Right or wrong, I feel like everyone is looking at me saying “When are you going to be okay again? Are you done grieving yet?”.

And that’s really fucking scary.

Because at this point in time, it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay.

I don’t know if my kind of broken can be fixed.

What if I never get better? Is that okay? Is it even possible for me to get better?

…

I’ve had some dark moments over the last 17 months, and it seems like a large portion of them have come since I left treatment. There have been many days that I have not been proud of the version of myself that I presented to the world.

In some ways I feel like I’ve gotten worse since treatment…

And that’s really fucking scary too.

Because at this point in time, I’m not sure what else I can do to change/grow/heal. I’ve gone to in-patient treatment. I go to therapy twice a week. I see my psychiatrist regularly and take medication to maintain my baseline. And I still have really hard days.

So in my darkest moments, it feels pretty damn hopeless.

…

But today I’m doing well. I played with my boys. I did some chores. I haven’t fallen apart.

With the clarity that can only be brought about by distance, I’m able to see that the kind of healing I’m trying to do often requires 1, 2, or 10 steps back before I can move 1, 2, or 3 steps forward.

My healing is not linear. And while that’s scary, I think that’s okay.

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

A concert changed my life (seriously)

This week I attended a Falling In Reverse concert (my 4th time seeing them). The performance was pretty standard for them (in the words of Dwight Schrute, “good not great”), but it was incredibly fun because these songs mean so much to me.

Ronnie Radke, the voice and mind behind the band, battles his share of demons. AND he’s also a massively talented individual (it does both imo). His song, Popular Monster, has been streamed over half a billion times between Spotify and YouTube and is an all-time favorite song for me.

There’s a line in it that says: “Every single fucking day, I get closer to the grave.”

A few songs later, he played Watch The World Burn, and the line “Break the fucking chains, take back your life.” Hit me like a ton of bricks. The next day I enacted steps to do just that. I’m proud to share that I’ve made some hard progress on getting myself into a better place mentally.

The Elliott + Bailey Trip 2024

We took a really fun trip to the Washington coast with our dear friends Taylor and Lexi Bailey. We took the HouseBus and stayed in Port Townsend, LaPush, and Tacoma over 4 nights.

We saw the ocean and the rainforest. We visited Pike Place and ate the best Italian food I’ve ever had in Tacoma (Macaluso’s near Point Defiance). Bailey and I even caught a show on our last night and got to see the wonderful Ben Howard at Moore Theater (Moore Theater is the single most uncomfortable venue at which I’ve attended a show…).

It was a blast.

Congrats, Christine & Ryan.

My friends got married this week. So happy for them. If you ever find yourself in Fort Collins, CO, stop by their brewery, Hello Brew Co.

Robots are hilarious

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

Waving From A Sea by Michigan Rattlers (Spotify, Apple Music)

This may end up my #1 album of the year. Michigan Rattlers are one of my 3 favorite bands. When I first started listening to them, it was 3 dudes, no drummer, mostly folk/Americana. This album is a total transformation for them, into an indie rock sound that resembles the best of The Killers and Bruce Springsteen. Please listen to this album.

Only 4 of the 11 songs on this album are new. The other 7 have been released as singles over the last almost 5 years. And of those 4 new songs, most of them are not exactly my cup of tea. HOWEVER, it includes 4 of my favorite songs, and 3 more good songs. It’s a bop and worth a listen if you like metal/hip-hop fusion.

Deadbeat! by Jack Kays (Spotify, Apple Music)

This was just released this week and I am enjoying it. It’s giving OG twenty-one pilots goes punk?

Movies:

This was a totally enjoyable psychological thriller. Worth a watch. Alia Shawkat was great and my crush on Adria Arjona from Hit Man deepened. The main character in the movie is pretty insufferable IMO, so that kinda killed the overall enjoyability of the movie, but it was still fun.

Go into this movie knowing as little as possible. It’s told out of order (there are 6 chapters and it starts with chapter 3). It’s a slasher style thriller and very good.

Holy shit. I loved this movie. This was my introduction to the Alien franchise and it won me over.

Maybe the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Jack Black’s character Claptrap was kinda funny. The rest sucked. (I even saw it in the giant IMAX screen at the Pacific Science Center and it still sucked.) I will never understand why they cast a woman in her 50s to play a character in her 20s. I love Cate Blanchett as much as the next guy, but this role was not it for her. I feel sad for the fans of this game (@Tanner).

One of my favorite movies of the year. About how an Irish hip hop groups rapping in Irish helps push forward a movement to protect the Irish language. Exceptional movie. (And the 3 musicians play themselves and do it WONDERFULLY!)

This movie is in Mandarin, so you’ll need to watch with subtitles. I really enjoyed experiencing Chinese filmmaking and I found that the subtitles didn’t bother me at all. This is a sort of Truman Show-esque movie and is actually much darker and thought-provoking than you’d imagine after watching the trailer.

Books:

Finished it. Enjoyed it.

Enjoying this, but a little excited to be done with this series. It’s a Chinese novel translated to English and it reads a bit “history text book” imo. It also has a different main character in each book, which I think prevents the sort of compounding character investment that traditionally accompanies a series. Also, each book is longer than the one before, which is tough lol.

Actually reading a physical copy of this one, so it’s taking me. a bit longer. This is a nice hype up book to accompany the taking back my life actions I mentioned earlier.

Thanks for sticking around and reading this far. I appreciate your support.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.