We put an offer in on a house this week. We also finally submitted a design for Miller’s headstone. I’ve known no crueler a mistress than grief. She taints every happy moment with a whiff of sadness–knowing that nothing will ever be as good as it could have been.

But what choice do I have but to carry on and continue marching into the darkness? My life’s transmission has no reverse. I am presented two choices, forward or death. My mandate as a father and husband is to choose forward each day.

It’s gotten easier to choose forward over the last few months. I’m getting better at seeing the good through the hard. I’m grateful for the two beautiful Doots (pictured above) that I get to parent each day, and for the incredible woman that I’m building a life with.

AND, it’s also hard to look in the mirror and not love how I look, to log off at the end of a work day and not love my output, to go to sleep at night and not be proud of the dad/husband/friend that I was.

I don’t think that the inclination toward self-loathing is exclusive to me. I do think that the intensity of said loathing is more extreme in a post-Miller world.

Why? Because I should know better. I’ve lost the most important thing in my life. I’ve seen that nothing really matters except people. And I still wake up every day as a human. I am still “of the world” when I know that “the world” is a mirage.

So yeah, I hate myself more than I used to because I know better than to hate myself. And then I hate myself even more. And the cycle continues.

Even still, I keep choosing forward every day. Some days better than others. Some days worse. And I keep finding new things to be happy (and subsequently sad) about. And I hope, that each day I can find the strength to choose forward again. And I hope you can too.

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

New ink.

I got some new ink this week from an artist in Spokane (Lyn Sweet)

Being an adult is dumb.

It has been my experience that adulthood is a long sequence of (often simultaneous) events that amount to some variation of the following:

Buy a thing you need with money you don’t have and then pay to fix thing you need with more money you don’t have.

This week’s episode of adulthood involved our minivan waking up on Friday morning and deciding that I needed to spend $1k to fix it. Amazing. Yay for adulthood.

Presented without comment.

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

Pink Pony Club - Chappell Roan (Spotify, Apple Music)

Bailey loves this song and I must admit that it rips. H/t Lexi and the nieces for this one.

Kings of Leon Setlist (Spotify, Apple Music)

I had tickets to see them in Seattle last week and didn’t end up going, which was very disappointing.

Glass Animals Setlist (Spotify, Apple Music)

I had the good fortune of seeing Glass Animals with an amazing group of people this weekend at The Gorge. (I love you all). Such an amazing experience. I wish Miller could have been there with us.

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty (Spotify, Apple Music)

I don’t know why, but Father John Misty just seems like such a cool musician to be a fan of. I’ll admit that is part of the allure to me. I also really enjoy his vibe and am doing my homework as I decide whether to buy tickets to see him in concert in a few weeks.

TV/Movies:

Shaun Of The Dead - Dolby Cinema Exclusive (2004) - 9/10

I love the Cornetto Trilogy and Edgar Wright is my favorite director, so getting to see this in Dolby was an absolute treat.

Deadpool (2016) - 7/10, Deadpool 2 (2018) - 5/10, Deadpool & Wolverine (2024) - 3/10

I am decidedly anti-Marvel (and anti-Ryan Reynolds), but watched the first 2 movies because I’d heard good things and because I wanted to use my AMC A-List to see Deadpool & Wolverine in Dolby. I’ll admit that the first film was enjoyable. It’s definitely not a traditional super hero movie, and was actually a pretty cool love story. #2 fell back toward the Marvel-median (blech), and D&W went full-on unwatchable multiverse madness.

A24 x IMAX Present: Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) - 10/10

I missed this in theaters the first time around, so getting to watch it in IMAX was a treat. I enjoyed it even more on the re-watch and feel that it is a movie with a profoundly important message: nothing matters (except people).

Despicable Me 4 (2024) - ?/10

Took the Doots to see this one and they did great. I don’t know what the movie was about though…

Dìdi (2024) - 6/10

They nailed the nostalgia factor, but I found the characters mostly unlikeable (lying is hard for me…) and the story was painful. I don’t think this is because they didn’t do it well, but just that the movie is supposed to be pretty uncomfortable. I didn’t love it.

Books:

The Postmortal by Drew Magary (2011)

I really enjoyed this. An incredibly thought-provoking story of how a cure for aging impacts both the narrator and the world as a whole. Totally recommend.

Death’s End by Cixin Liu (2010)

I was making really good progress and then my loan ran out. So now I am waiting for my hold to be ready on Libby… I fear I will never get to stop mentioning these books in my newsletter.

To those of you who read this, thank you. I may be bad at responding to your messages, but I read them all and they mean the world. Thank you for supporting me. I hope you have an excellent week.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.