Miller would have turned 5 on Friday, September 20th. He would have been so stoked to have a giant birthday party with all of his friends. We would have started homeschooling and sports and piano lessons all of that fun stuff.

He would have loved playing with Nash and River.

But instead, we spent that day trying to simply survive the gaping wound forever found in our hearts.

To quiet the pain we do what we can. I often medicate with late-night Taco Bell runs, long walks listening to books, new tattoos, and trips to AMC. Bailey uses music and boxing. We both do therapy regularly (together and separate) and see psychiatrists.

We’re doing our best.

Part of moving forward is finding purpose in our lives again. When Miller was here it was easy. We lived for him. It was obvious. It was simple. It was fun. There was no question at all, but to do everything in our power to give him the best day we could, every single day.

I have to believe that we mostly succeeded in that purpose while Miller was here, but now that he is gone, we must find a new purpose.

Nash & River are that purpose in many ways, but Bailey and I are also learning so much about ourselves, our relationship, and what we want out of life. I’m learning that my purpose is different now. It’s not just to give my living children the best lives, but to make losing Miller mean something.

Life without Miller sucks. But it sucks even worse when I’m not proud of the way that his death changed me.

So, I’m finding my purpose again. I’m digging deep and asking myself hard questions about who I am, what matters, and how I should spend my limited time here on this earth. I’m asking myself how I can honor the lessons that Miller taught me.

The answers are starting to appear and that gives me hope for tomorrow.

Anyway, time for some thoughts from my mind.

We didn’t get the first house… But we got the second one.

So, buying a house sucks. We put in an offer on a wildly overpriced house, went back and forth with the seller, finally got them to accept and then we started the inspection process. Turns out the house had some pretty significant issues: (leaky roof, mold, no crawlspace insulation, cracked sewer pipes). We asked the seller to help us with the roof and mold. He said no.

It was a big bummer.

But then another house came onto our radar and we fell in love with a new dream. We’re now under contract for a brand new townhome in Liberty Lake that is set to be completed in November.

This isn’t exactly the dream we had when we set out to buy a house, but through the process we learned what is really important to us and now we’re one step closer to clarifying our family’s purpose.

Millergold is back to working on music again.

Summer got a little crazy and we fell out of our routine of making a priority for band practice. With fall in the air and the days getting shorter, spending our evenings in the loft making music feels like a natural transition.

We are working on solidifying a return trip to Virginia to record a full-length album of original songs sometime in early 2025.

Recording an album is not exactly cheap (think at least $1k/song), so we’ll likely be doing some live shows over the next few months (potentially across a few different locations - Liberty Lake, Spokane, Ephrata, maybe Arizona and Utah?) and figuring out a way that we can sell some merch (or something) in order to help offset the costs.

If you want to follow along with our journey, follow us on Instagram: @millergold.music.

I really dig this

What I’ve been consuming lately:

Music:

Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token (Spotify, Apple Music)

All the credit for this goes to Bailey. She has shown me the way. This stuff is next level.

Unimaginable Time by Broken Glowsticks (Spotify, Apple Music)

Okay, so there is only one new song on this album, but having these songs all packaged up into one album is like putting a bow on a time period for me. Having met AJ and recorded music in the same room that he recorded many of these songs, this album is extra special. It inspired a lot of “We’ll Never Say Goodbye - EP”.

Thus Spoke The Fool by Pony Bradshaw (Spotify, Apple Music)

Pony the goat continues his reign of greatness. The man can write and the man can sing. If you like Americana, please check this out.

TV/Movies:

Megalopolis (2024) - 8/10

I am a sucker for a passion project. The fact that Francis Ford Coppola literally sold the farm (a portion of his winery) to self-finance this project was enough to get me in an uncomfortable IMAX seat to see this.

And boy was I not disappointed. I will admit that it is very very weird and that it’s not for everyone. But I THOROUGHLY enjoyed it. I still find myself thinking about it days later.

If you like absurdist comedies with a feel-good message and really great performances from Aubrey Plaza, Adam Driver, and Shia LeBeouf - this might be the movie for you. Aubrey Plaza’s performance as Wow Platinum (yes, that is her character’s name) was enough to make the movie worthwhile and everything else was just gravy.

The Wild Robot (2024) - 8/10

This is sort of the anti-Megalopolis. It's incredibly approachable and really great for anyone that likes movies. My favorite new “kids movie” since “The Mitchells vs. The Machines.”

Self-Reliance (2024) - 6.5/10

It was fine. Jake Johnson is fun. Biff Wiff was awesome. A little anti-climactic.

Whiplash - 10th Anniversary Re-Release (2014) - 10/10

This is everything a movie should be. I absolutely loved it.

Snatch (2000) - 7/10

If you like Guy Ritchie’s The Gentlemen. You’ll like this. Similar vibe. Not as well done, but very fun. Brad Pitt’s accent goes crazy. Totally worth the watch.

Books:

The Bone Ships by R.J. Barker (2019)

Pirates + fantasy? Sign me up. There were several very touching moments of humanity in this book that made me choke up. I can’t wait to see how this trilogy turns out!

The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie (2006)

The characters in this book are incredible. Logan Ninefingers is an all-time favorite character for me and I have a feeling I don’t even know the half of it yet. Great start to The First Law trilogy.

Death’s End by Cixin Liu (2010)

I finally finished the Remembrance of Earth’s Past trilogy. For me, it was good not great. I liked it and found it fascinating and thought-provoking. I also found it depressing and unsettling. And pretty history textbook-esque. If you love scifi though, you should definitely add it to your TBR list.

Before They Are Hanged by Joe Abercrombie (2007)

I’m currently 1/3 of the way through the second book in The First Law trilogy and I can’t put it down. Def recommend.

I appreciate all of you for reading this. It brings me great joy to know that there are a few of you out there who appreciate the words that I share.

And most importantly, I wish you the strength to survive the hurt that life has thrown at you and will throw at you.

You’ve We’ve got this.

Nate.